On this journey, I am learning that I am...

[more than a conquerer through Jesus Christ]


Spent this past couple weeks trying to figure out myself ... trying to figure out me so I could figure out life and how I was going to handle life.  Spent it hyped up on the idea that if I figured out me then I could handle anything that came my way..

I forgot that I am not the owner of my life anymore ... who I am is not who I have made me - it is who Christ Jesus is transforming me into ... I was so bent out of shape because I couldn't find a way - couldn't figure out a plan - to make it through... forgot the most important part about my life, which is this statement:

Jesus answered, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" ... 

This journey was started because God said to me that there was things that I needed to clear out of my life, to allow Him to transform, and to trust in Him about instead of myself ... while on this journey, I've discovered a part of myself that makes a lot of sense... the part that has not trusted God b/c I never was able to trust my Earthly Father ... when God said to me during revival this year "I am NOT your father - I am your Father!" it came to me that who I have let God be in my life was a reflection of what my father was in my life  ... he was the one who was always hurting me, letting me down, breaking promises ...

but GOD ISN'T!

I was diagnosed with a personality disorder that basically is summed up like this:  I fear abandonment & do anything I possibly can to avoid it.

I see now my thinking in the past when it came to God:  If I abandoned God first, He couldn't abandon me - so in the tough times, I "left" God because I felt like He was going to leave me in pain first ... oh, sure, I was able to cover up a lot of my lack of faith, but I was so empty on the inside...  I was relying on myself b/c I felt I couldn't rely on God...

But here I am, without a best friend and losing another one slowly but surely. I am without a counselor to get me through & without a solid, christian best friend ...

My last post quoted this song:

"Strip away all that remains, for the glory of Your name - till there's nothing left of me... burn the kingdoms I have made, so You will shine and I will fade - till there's nothing left of me.."

And I see again where Christ is saying "Monica .... come to ME ... make ME your everything ... I love you more than anyone ever will & I desire to use your talents, your smile, and your compassion & love to show the world who I am ... but I need YOU to know who I am first..."

So, at this moment in time, I am stripped away of everything that gives me a sense of security, and I am falling in love with Jesus Christ more and more, one day at a time ... because HE is my everything, my peace, my security, and yet my leap of faith ... I love Him. and I'm learning that ONLY THROUGH HIM am I a conquerer in this life ...

(-Monica)

[ Psalm 23:1 -

          The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want... ]