On this journey...

[MISTAKES will happen]


Even just for a moment, my eyes slipped off of the cross & my world crumbled pretty quick ... I'm at the pt where I can be Saul or I can be David...

I can run from God, pretending nothing ever happened and putting on a fake smile to fool the rest of the world (being Saul)... or I can face God, fess up, and forgive myself ... (being David) ...

I choose to be David... I choose to let this be yet another thing to learn from... what I am learning from it is that what caused it has gotten out of hand ... and because of that, I feel God telling me to let go of something in my life that breaks my heart to let go ... something that has been very special to me for so long - a friendship that means everything to me ...

but the friendship, lately, has become my kingdom, my "run to" and my comfort ... my safety, despite having nothing but temptations & the enemy thrown in my face constantly ... still, this friendship is the only thing that makes me feel loved and wanted on this campus ...

but here is God, asking me to let go & give it up ... I've been crying off and on all day ... I'm terrified, meeting with my old counselor soon to figure stuff out because I don't know what to do from here...

but anyway, I went for a drive ... needed that comfort of a preoccupied mind so that I wasn't thinking as much about the situation ... on the CD I was listening to was a song called "Till there's Nothing Left" and the lyrics go like this:

Take away all that remains,
For Your glory and Your name,
Till there's nothing left of me ...
Burn the kingdoms I have made,
So you will shine and I will fade..
Till there's nothing left of me...

God gives & He takes away ... but I will be okay, no matter what because He is always faithful to love me... He wants what's best for me ... for my walk with Him... so I'm going to let Him take away what He needs to take away, despite the pain, despite the hurt, despite the lonliness that will exist so tangibly in my life after.. I know that God is with me, healing the pain, comforting me through the hurt, and always faithful to hear me when I cry out ...

I love You, Lord -

as the journey continues, I will learn to trust You more everyday...

(-Monica)

[Proverbs 3:5-6 -

Trust in the Lord with all thy heart,

lean not on your own understanding...

In all your ways, acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths... ]

On this journey, I must remember...

[GOD is greater]

During Burning Bush, a small group type setting that a friend & I sort of co-lead, we came across the verse in 1 Timothy 2:8 that says "I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing." & we talked about how we feel that we should clear our hearts before going into worship - sort of like how scripture says it's impossible for fresh water to come out of a salt water spring ... how you can't mix angry words towards someone and praises to God from the same mouth ... well, we talked about that and it was a pretty good discussion that led to other topics.

Anyway, where I was going with that is this story:  I was talking to Jonathan & he mentioned how good chapel service was.  I asked who spoke and he said "Rick Christman" ... automatically, I scowled and got defensive and complained about how much I didn't like him because of an incident last year where he had to lay down the law, basically, and I almost go into some deep trouble.... still, yesterday, my mindset was that it wasn't my fault and he handled things badly and that I had a right to be angry with him ... Jonathan's words? (because he's a bluntly honest, awesome friend) were "wow, Monica - that's real Christ-like" ...

My first instinct was to get mad... and irritated.  and Jonathan knew I was beacuse I scowled, said "I've got to go" and left.  I wanted to brush it off as if he was just being a jerk and didn't understand why I was so mad and that he didn't see where I was coming from so I was right and he had no right to tell me otherwise... I was being STUBBORN.. but as I'm worshipping in chapel, feeling irritated that Christman was about to speak, I realized that I was doing EXACTLY what we had talked about as wrong during Burning Bush ... God laid it on my heart that there was another thing I needed to let go - and that was my anger/bitterness towards Christman and Sara Brothers, who was the RD over the dorms at the time.

Immediately I realized that I needed to let go as God was commanding me to.

 So, I did..

I stopped singing and instead began to pray that God would help my heart to let go of the situation & that I would not allow w/e anger I had inside of me get in the way of passionately worshipping Him w/o anger or contempt towards another person.

During this journey, I will come across times when I will tell myself "no, that doesn't matter" or "there's no way I can let go of this" or maybe even start to make excuses for why I won't do what God is commanding me to do... but if I remember this: GOD IS GREATER...

Then I'll remember that He won't relent until He's gotten through my stubborn exterior...

We were singing the song "Our God" & the part where it says "God, You are higher than any other" I heard myself saying "He's higher than me..." and I realized that my desires and stubborn habits will NEVER top the Lord's plans & direction for my life ...

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against??

I'm learning that the greatest thing I allow to stop me is myself ... but God is greater & I choose to stop trying to get in the way.

(-Monica)

[Psalm 51: 17

                The sacrifice You desire is a broken spirit,

 You won't reject a broken and repentant heart, O God... ]

The journey isn't easy because...

[old habits die hard]

Found myself last night telling myself the worst & wasn't able to talk myself out of the negative thinking pattern.  Finally, I slept & was able to grab an ounce of peace from my thinking ... but that was 4 AM. 

Guess what I was doing from about 1 AM-2?
(HOMEWORK)

that I should've done instead of playing volleyball all night...

ugh ... I really don't want the bad habits to start up again .. I want this year to be full of healthy choices & remembering who God is in my life - including the Father for discipline that I need throughout school...

So my newest prayer is that this journey produces yet another good result: 

{healthy habits that won't fade...}

We'll see .. I have the choice to change these habits - I know that much at least ... it's nobody else's fault if I don't pick up the pace and strive for excellence ... I choose to be driven, excellent, and working for the glory of God in EVERYTHING I do ... including school & that preperation for the ministry God has for me in the future.

(-Monica)

[1 Corinthians 10:31 -

          So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, 

           do it all for the glory of God... ]