On this journey, I've discovered...

[I've got it in me]

My last update was about my Pastor resigning.  I found out shortly after that he resigned because of a major screw up in his life.  And then I found out that that major screw up was that he decided to leave his wife for another person in the church...

I thought just thinking someone got sick and he had to resign without telling anyone why was terrible... I thought THAT hurt.  This news?  Hurts so much more.

And I struggled for a bit.  I felt so fake because I was smiling and pretending I was perfectly okay.  I only hinted to Tammy, the youth leader I'm working with right now, that anything was actually wrong.  Even then, I didn't show her the thoughts that were going through my mind.

My pastor, who had seen God do it all, had worked in ministry, and seemed SO sold out... failed.  Miserably.  Thoughts went through my mind like "is all of this real?" "Is God really real or am I just following Him because the thought comforts me?"  "Are marriages ever going to last?"  "Is my future marriage going to fail?"  "Is Brian going to hurt me?"

Over and over and over and over my brain went nuts.  And I kept it all inside.  I thought I was done.  I was constantly tempted to cut, I was constantly tempted to drink... it was just one big mess of negativity.  The borderline crept up pretty quickly, too.  I was so close to giving in and being the girl I used to be again...

But God had different plans.  I fought clear through all of the thoughts.  I never once cut, never got drunk (which due to my father being who he is, I am much inclined to run from my problems through drinking/other addictions)... and I never gave up on God.  I just waited out the storm.

Does it still hurt?

Better believe it...

Do I still get angry with Mark?

100%

But will I ever walk away from God because of what the world does to me or I do to myself?

Never.

This summer I had a choice.  To go back or move ahead.  I chose to move ahead.  And now, I'm heading into my senior year of college with a smile on my face because I know I am truly changed.  I will struggle, I will hurt.. but I am an adult.  I am 21 years old, I have a story to tell, and I will MAKE IT.  I am not the struggling teenage girl who didn't know who she was or who really cared about her.  I am not the attention seeker I once was.  I am not the girl who runs away from love by controlling it.  I am not the girl with borderline personality who thought she would be just another suicide statistic.

I am Monica Taylor.  I am strong through CHRIST who strengthens me...

and I've got it in me to win this battle.  Even if takes a few more years or even decades.  I will not lose this battle.  I'm a part of the winning team.

(-Monica)

[Isaiah 41:10

                 "Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."]

On this journey I've unfortunately realized...

[some things still hurt...]

I found out this afternoon that my Pastor resigned suddenly.  

(It's the story of my life considering five youth leaders and another previous pastor have done it already...)

 -- it seems as if something happened in his family that has led him to have to suddenly step down as pastor.

I don't handle this sort of thing very well... especially since he has meant so much to me in the last few years.

Part of the Borderline issue is a fear of abandonment.  This doesn't just mean "oh, they're LEAVING me!  How drastic!"  ... it's also just that sense of losing someone -- that sense of grief over having lost an important person in your life, even if by resignation.  

I lost my Pastor today who has been with me through many times of growth and many times of setbacks.  He was the first person I talked to about some personal struggles in my life and he encouraged me and didn't throw an ounce of judgement in my face.  He encouraged me as I embarked on my journey to begin my trek as a college girl studying youth ministry because I was called.  He encouraged me to pray about missions and even got the church to give a love offering of 1500 towards my trip to Stockton... He went to the board about my internship and helped me receive the internship for the summer with pay at the end and another love offering... 

And now he's gone... 

for unknown reasons and nobody had a clue it was going to happen.

I have fought the rational and irrational sides of my mind all day.  They have been at battle -

        and neither one has come out as winner yet.

And it hurts.  It really hurts.  And I didn't think it would hurt this much because I thought that part of me was gone -- that irrational fear that comes after someone has left my life or fallen off of a pedestal... 

But one thing I know:  God is with me.  I will come out victorious -- even through this battle of the mind and hurt of the heart.  Why?  Because my God is stronger than my disorder...  and I trust in Him above all else.  And I certainly trust in His understanding vs. my own...

It's going to be hard to not hurt when I think about this throughout the summer... but things will work out, I am certain of it. <3

(-Monica)

[Micah 7:8

                "Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy!  For though I fall, I will RISE AGAIN.  Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD will be my LIGHT."]

On this journey, I finally realize...

[NOTHING is impossible] <3


As I'm typing this, I'm thinking about Brian Hunt -- the most amazing, kind-hearted, loving, and Godly man I've ever had in my life... and I call him my boyfriend.

A year and a half ago, I would've told you you were crazy if you said I'd be in a relationship and that it will have lasted three months (on January 30th).  In fact, I did tell someone they were crazy for that exact reason.  But here I am, 21 years old, junior in college, and I'm finally in a stable relationship.

I've fought to get to that point.  And I'm still fighting to stay at that point..

But I'm there.

That's all that matters to me.

I've had to fight my way through consistent negative thinking and painful wounds, but I've made it.

And it's so much more than "so far so good".

At this point, I believe with my whole heart, that nothing is impossible for me.  It's hard, yes, but as the girl that got her arm bitten off by a shark and a movie made about her experience once said:

               "I don't need easy.  I just need possible."

With God, all things are possible -- and I believe that no matter what this journey brings my way, that is true... Brian and I will make it.  I know it.  Because despite borderline personality disorder and a poor self-esteem, Christ is working in my life... Brian knows it, I know it, and God knows it... and guess what?

That's all that counts.

(-Monica)

[Philippians 4:13 -

                 I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me...]

On this journey, I discovered...

[Scars remind us where we've been... they don't have to dictate where we're going.]

This Criminal Minds quote may have changed my life... I've spent so much time worrying about who others see me as.  Do they still see me as the unstable girl who had a million burdens and a million scars?  Do they still see me as the fragile girl with a loose grip on reality and losing herself?  Do my scars and my mistakes define me?

Will anyone ever take me serious?  

                                          Do they see my scars?

                      Will I always be a project to try and make happier?

                                                        Will they love me for me?

Will my scars forever remind them of who I was?

                        Can they see who I am today?

                                        Will I ever be... ANYTHING other than

                                     

                                                                                             SCARRED? 

I have juggled these questions around in my mind OVER. and OVER.  and OVER. again. until migraines weakened my body and insecurities carved at my heart.  I have chipped and beat and blasted away every ounce of faith I had in myself because I was too worried about what others think of me...

                  But I'm done with that.

I am not determined by the number of scars on my wrists, arms, ankles, thighs, or chest.

Only I have the power to make what others think or say of me a LABEL.  Until then, it's just

                                a WORD.  

                                              I am redeemed.

                                                   I am Brand NEW.

                                               I am ME. 

 So I will shake off the collective weight of my insecurities, right onto the ground at the foot of the Cross.

                    because THAT'S what determines who I am.  

"I no longer bleed for others, because Christ has bled for ME." 

This is a new year, full of new opportunities and things to learn... the past WILL NOT determine who I am this year.  The past is the past because I've gotten past it.  And I'm going to press on until the whole world knows that I am NOT who I was.

(-Monica)

[1 Corinthians 5:17 -

                  "For anyone in Christ is a NEW creation...."

                                  (the old has left the building...) 

 

 

On this journey, I am learning that...

[Forgiveness is an ongoing process]


My last post was about forgiving my dad... and how it was a step I needed to take or I would not grow forward as I had been.  Forgiveness was the biggest challenge in my life... that obstacle I couldn't climb and had no strength to climb.

But come Father's Day, I discovered I carried no bitterness... no anger... no hatred.

No weight.  

I don't know how it happened.  I just know that I read The Shack and it put a perspective in me that I had never had before... My Father God... loves my father Roy Edward Taylor.  The same Roy that abandoned me multiple times... the same Roy that brought drunk friends to the house and left me alone while they partied it up in the backyard.  The same Roy that I blamed for so long for Andrew's attack.  The same Roy that broke promise after promise until he broke ME down and I no longer believed in promises or honest people.

God loves HIM.

I haven't written the letter for him yet... when I made the goal to get it done before I got to college, I found out he was MIA again... had ditched my sister after serving his jail time and nobody can keep track of him anymore.  More than likely, he's out using his social security check on drugs, alcohol, and ladies...

So that's where I'm at now... waiting.  Waiting for word that if I send a letter, it might actually get to him because my siblings know where he is...

           that could take awhile.

I found out he doesn't even know I went back to college... probably doesn't even know what year I'm in or what I'm majoring in or why... He probably doesn't know a single one of my dreams or aspirations... He didn't know my sister got engaged and moved into a new house that's bigger and better equipped for a husband and wife with two kids.

At this rate, one day he won't even know I'M married.

And someone else will be walking me down the aisle... 

I had to re-forgive my father today.. I had to take a step back from the anger I felt building up inside me as I thought about these things and, again, had to take on that new perspective.

God loves Roy Edward Taylor.  The same Roy that kept me up last night, close to tears, because I was so hurt and frustrated.  The same Roy that could one day not know my kids or my husband, or even me.

God loves him.

           And only because of HIS grace, do I love him, too...

You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same... You are amazing, God. <3


(-Monica)

[1 Corinthians 13:5 -

                    Love keeps no record of wrongs...] 

On this journey I'm learning that...

[not moving at all, is the same as moving BACKWARDS]

This past (almost) year now has been filled with growth.  A LOT of it.  I started this blog almost a year ago and as each turning point or realization happened in my life, I wrote about it.  All of this blog, as I go back and read, reminds me of a blooming flower...  Now, coming to almost the end of the first year of this journey, I compare myself to a car running out of gas.  It seems to run rougher, it seems to not have as much UMPH in it... and then slowly, you pitter patter until you are stuck along the side of the road with this look of "oh, crud" and a lot of "I should haves" going through your mind. 

As I thought about that, I thought about another example of how my life has been.  Do you know how water, when it's stagnant, becomes nasty?  It becomes dangerous to drink because bacteria lives in stagnant water easier.  So I go from a blooming flower, to a car without fuel, to being
...dangerous water. 

I don't like the way it went down, as if it were a rollar coaster, only without brakes or restraints... or a track.  I don't like the way I didn't feel like I was growing for so long. 

God took me on this journey for a reason.. He's TAKING me on this journey for a reason... the part I'm on right now, that I felt stuck at - stagnant... was when God asked me to forgive my father.  He asked me to forgive him & write him a letter sharing with him the Gospel that saved my life, and that God wanted to save my dad's with...

It's hard to do that when bitterness lives in your heart, ya know?  When it takes a spot in your life and sticks around.  When I got all stagnant, that bitterness became the bacteria that thrived inside of me. 

But I'm not letting it take over my life. 

If God is for us, than who could ever stop us?  And if our God is with us - than what can stand against?!

As I moved forward, I was filled with joy... as I stayed stagnant, I was miserable.  And now, as I stand against the enemy and put my faith up against my bitterness & fears - I realize that staying still pulled me back...

                      and I REFUSE to go back. 

So here I am, all of me - finally, everything... wholly, wholly Yours... I am wholly, wholly Yours....

(-Monica)

         [Philippians 3:13 -

                 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead...]

On this journey, I'm learning to...

[LIVE surrendered]


Since I began my walk with Christ years and years ago (6 years in March to be exact), there's always been this "stubborn bone" in my body that gets bigger and bigger... As I would get more fearful of the future and of failure, I would get more stubborn with God and begin to refuse to move forward.  It was a cycle of finding hope, fearing failure, and running away.  Finding hope, fearing failure, running.  Finding hope, fearing failure, running.


But on this journey, I have yet to be able to run very far.  Since July, God has made it to where He has such a hold on my heart that when I turn to run, I feel this tug like no other and I know that I don't want to be anywhere but in God's will anymore.


What does this mean?  It means that I'm learning how to live surrendered.  I'm learning how to find hope in the midst of sadness and not let it go when I fear.  I'm learning how to not sweat the small stuff that makes me fear so deeply that I'm going to fail.  I'm learning that God's will for my life is NOT to harm me, but to see me prosper and do a good work for His kingdom.  His will for my life is best and I cannot hide from it.  When I've sought after Him wholeheartedly throughout this journey I've felt my fear begin to fade away.  Satan still had his moments where he got a kick out of the "what if" statements I would come up with, but God always won because God is stronger than my feelings ... I'm an overcomer and I've learned that the overcoming has only been made possible through surrender... complete surrender.


So what does this mean?  What does this lack of a debilitating fear mean?  I'm going on a missions trip in March to Stockton Penial, CA ... Was I scared?  yes.  Am I scared?  yes.  But as a person surrendered to the will of God, I know that the best place I want to be for Spring Break is Stockton Penial, CA serving the Lord on a mission field.


But what's the next thing?  Will I be called into missions?  Have I already been called but I just can't quite grasp it?  Idk... I have no flipping idea.  But as a person surrendered to God, I know that the plans He has for me will become evident when it is time... My heart?  It's willing.  My mind?  It's struggling to decide.  But my life?  Completely surrendered and knowing that God's got plans I might not understand sometimes, but they're best ...


So here's to the day that God reveals the plans.  Till then, I'm worshiping while I'm waiting & seeking wholeheartedly after the heart of God more and more each day.

(-Monica)

[ Jeremiah 29:13 - 

           You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart... ]