I found out this afternoon that my Pastor resigned suddenly.
(It's the story of my life considering five youth leaders and another previous pastor have done it already...)
-- it seems as if something happened in his family that has led him to have to suddenly step down as pastor.
I don't handle this sort of thing very well... especially since he has meant so much to me in the last few years.
Part of the Borderline issue is a fear of abandonment. This doesn't just mean "oh, they're LEAVING me! How drastic!" ... it's also just that sense of losing someone -- that sense of grief over having lost an important person in your life, even if by resignation.
I lost my Pastor today who has been with me through many times of growth and many times of setbacks. He was the first person I talked to about some personal struggles in my life and he encouraged me and didn't throw an ounce of judgement in my face. He encouraged me as I embarked on my journey to begin my trek as a college girl studying youth ministry because I was called. He encouraged me to pray about missions and even got the church to give a love offering of 1500 towards my trip to Stockton... He went to the board about my internship and helped me receive the internship for the summer with pay at the end and another love offering...
And now he's gone...
for unknown reasons and nobody had a clue it was going to happen.
I have fought the rational and irrational sides of my mind all day. They have been at battle -
and neither one has come out as winner yet.
And it hurts. It really hurts. And I didn't think it would hurt this much because I thought that part of me was gone -- that irrational fear that comes after someone has left my life or fallen off of a pedestal...
But one thing I know: God is with me. I will come out victorious -- even through this battle of the mind and hurt of the heart. Why? Because my God is stronger than my disorder... and I trust in Him above all else. And I certainly trust in His understanding vs. my own...
It's going to be hard to not hurt when I think about this throughout the summer... but things will work out, I am certain of it. <3
(-Monica)
[Micah 7:8
"Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy! For though I fall, I will RISE AGAIN. Though I dwell in darkness, the LORD will be my LIGHT."]
