On this journey, I discovered...

[Scars remind us where we've been... they don't have to dictate where we're going.]

This Criminal Minds quote may have changed my life... I've spent so much time worrying about who others see me as.  Do they still see me as the unstable girl who had a million burdens and a million scars?  Do they still see me as the fragile girl with a loose grip on reality and losing herself?  Do my scars and my mistakes define me?

Will anyone ever take me serious?  

                                          Do they see my scars?

                      Will I always be a project to try and make happier?

                                                        Will they love me for me?

Will my scars forever remind them of who I was?

                        Can they see who I am today?

                                        Will I ever be... ANYTHING other than

                                     

                                                                                             SCARRED? 

I have juggled these questions around in my mind OVER. and OVER.  and OVER. again. until migraines weakened my body and insecurities carved at my heart.  I have chipped and beat and blasted away every ounce of faith I had in myself because I was too worried about what others think of me...

                  But I'm done with that.

I am not determined by the number of scars on my wrists, arms, ankles, thighs, or chest.

Only I have the power to make what others think or say of me a LABEL.  Until then, it's just

                                a WORD.  

                                              I am redeemed.

                                                   I am Brand NEW.

                                               I am ME. 

 So I will shake off the collective weight of my insecurities, right onto the ground at the foot of the Cross.

                    because THAT'S what determines who I am.  

"I no longer bleed for others, because Christ has bled for ME." 

This is a new year, full of new opportunities and things to learn... the past WILL NOT determine who I am this year.  The past is the past because I've gotten past it.  And I'm going to press on until the whole world knows that I am NOT who I was.

(-Monica)

[1 Corinthians 5:17 -

                  "For anyone in Christ is a NEW creation...."

                                  (the old has left the building...) 

 

 

On this journey, I am learning that...

[Forgiveness is an ongoing process]


My last post was about forgiving my dad... and how it was a step I needed to take or I would not grow forward as I had been.  Forgiveness was the biggest challenge in my life... that obstacle I couldn't climb and had no strength to climb.

But come Father's Day, I discovered I carried no bitterness... no anger... no hatred.

No weight.  

I don't know how it happened.  I just know that I read The Shack and it put a perspective in me that I had never had before... My Father God... loves my father Roy Edward Taylor.  The same Roy that abandoned me multiple times... the same Roy that brought drunk friends to the house and left me alone while they partied it up in the backyard.  The same Roy that I blamed for so long for Andrew's attack.  The same Roy that broke promise after promise until he broke ME down and I no longer believed in promises or honest people.

God loves HIM.

I haven't written the letter for him yet... when I made the goal to get it done before I got to college, I found out he was MIA again... had ditched my sister after serving his jail time and nobody can keep track of him anymore.  More than likely, he's out using his social security check on drugs, alcohol, and ladies...

So that's where I'm at now... waiting.  Waiting for word that if I send a letter, it might actually get to him because my siblings know where he is...

           that could take awhile.

I found out he doesn't even know I went back to college... probably doesn't even know what year I'm in or what I'm majoring in or why... He probably doesn't know a single one of my dreams or aspirations... He didn't know my sister got engaged and moved into a new house that's bigger and better equipped for a husband and wife with two kids.

At this rate, one day he won't even know I'M married.

And someone else will be walking me down the aisle... 

I had to re-forgive my father today.. I had to take a step back from the anger I felt building up inside me as I thought about these things and, again, had to take on that new perspective.

God loves Roy Edward Taylor.  The same Roy that kept me up last night, close to tears, because I was so hurt and frustrated.  The same Roy that could one day not know my kids or my husband, or even me.

God loves him.

           And only because of HIS grace, do I love him, too...

You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same... You are amazing, God. <3


(-Monica)

[1 Corinthians 13:5 -

                    Love keeps no record of wrongs...]