I've lived my entire life "loving" other people ... I've been the nice girl who would give the shirt off of her back if she had to .. the one who would drop everything she had on her to do list if it meant helping another person do something they needed to get done... I was the hugger, the listener, the one who was always "there" when someone needed her ...
but for all of the wrong reasons ...
Every-time I did something to help out another person, I was trying to satisfy this empty space in my chest that told me I wasn't good enough - that couldn't be filled unless daily I did something for another person ... I wasn't loving because Christ first loved ... I was loving because I felt like I couldn't survive a day without doing something for someone so I could satisfy my self-hatred ...
where is Jesus in all of that?
not where He wanted to be... Jesus didn't exist in the middle of the efforts I put forth to encourage someone or make someone's day easier by blessing them with a smile or help with something ... Jesus, in fact, was standing on the outside of it all and trying to say to me.. "Monica, please, let me in there! You could do so much more!"
On this journey, I have started to fall in love with my Savior .. more and more each day, I remember what He means to me ... I remember the grace He extended towards me when I didn't deserve it - which is everyday - and I remember the strength that comes with having the Holy Spirit as a part of my life ...
Before this journey, I wasn't in love with God ... I was in love with the idea of MEANING something ... but not in the idea of giving my life wholly and completely to God ... someone said to me that it seemed like I was focused on SERVING God, instead of KNOWING Him ... and he was right. This summer, right before camps, I fell into my Savior's arms and said "I want to love You more" and gave up a lot of the crap that was keeping that from happening ... and since then, I've understood the verse in 1 John chapter 4 that speaks of knowing love and knowing God .. they're one in the same ...
Before I loved God I did not understand what love meant, so what I was doing was not an act of love - at least not the kind of love it was meant to be ... but ever since falling back in love with God, it seems like everything has a new meaning - a new purpose/motive ...
now, I love because He first loved me .. and showed me how to love...
(-Monica)
[ 1 John 4:19 -
We love each other because He loved us first... ]
