On this journey, I've discovered...

[I've got it in me]

My last update was about my Pastor resigning.  I found out shortly after that he resigned because of a major screw up in his life.  And then I found out that that major screw up was that he decided to leave his wife for another person in the church...

I thought just thinking someone got sick and he had to resign without telling anyone why was terrible... I thought THAT hurt.  This news?  Hurts so much more.

And I struggled for a bit.  I felt so fake because I was smiling and pretending I was perfectly okay.  I only hinted to Tammy, the youth leader I'm working with right now, that anything was actually wrong.  Even then, I didn't show her the thoughts that were going through my mind.

My pastor, who had seen God do it all, had worked in ministry, and seemed SO sold out... failed.  Miserably.  Thoughts went through my mind like "is all of this real?" "Is God really real or am I just following Him because the thought comforts me?"  "Are marriages ever going to last?"  "Is my future marriage going to fail?"  "Is Brian going to hurt me?"

Over and over and over and over my brain went nuts.  And I kept it all inside.  I thought I was done.  I was constantly tempted to cut, I was constantly tempted to drink... it was just one big mess of negativity.  The borderline crept up pretty quickly, too.  I was so close to giving in and being the girl I used to be again...

But God had different plans.  I fought clear through all of the thoughts.  I never once cut, never got drunk (which due to my father being who he is, I am much inclined to run from my problems through drinking/other addictions)... and I never gave up on God.  I just waited out the storm.

Does it still hurt?

Better believe it...

Do I still get angry with Mark?

100%

But will I ever walk away from God because of what the world does to me or I do to myself?

Never.

This summer I had a choice.  To go back or move ahead.  I chose to move ahead.  And now, I'm heading into my senior year of college with a smile on my face because I know I am truly changed.  I will struggle, I will hurt.. but I am an adult.  I am 21 years old, I have a story to tell, and I will MAKE IT.  I am not the struggling teenage girl who didn't know who she was or who really cared about her.  I am not the attention seeker I once was.  I am not the girl who runs away from love by controlling it.  I am not the girl with borderline personality who thought she would be just another suicide statistic.

I am Monica Taylor.  I am strong through CHRIST who strengthens me...

and I've got it in me to win this battle.  Even if takes a few more years or even decades.  I will not lose this battle.  I'm a part of the winning team.

(-Monica)

[Isaiah 41:10

                 "Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."]