Becoming Whole.Becoming Me: The biggest roadblock on this journey is ...

-[regret]-

One issue drilled me this entire summer that I continuously refused to let God handle for me...

(I screwed everything up...)

I lived daily telling myself that I screwed everything up - that I tore apart my friendships, tore apart my reputation, tore apart my walk with God, tore apart my LIFE... I looked back to the summer before - when I had a Godly best friend, a strong walk with Christ, college & a new start because of it, and I was healing... I looked back and saw nothing but a reminder that I, in the course of two semesters, lost it all... I HATED on myself over and over and over until I could do nothing but feel defeated and tell myself that God didn't want me back... and that even if He did, my life was too much of a mess & I was too content w/ doing what I wanted to do and pretending...

I was so emotional - so broken - so self-centered and focused on ME... I was nothing healthy for my friends... I was sinning - I was falling into old habits again - I was MESSED UP...

Shelby was my best friend until she realized that she couldn't sit back and watch me destroy my life one habit and denial at a time - I lost her because I let myself get wrapped up in the wrong mindset. It wasn't about the glory of God anymore - it was about coping and getting through day to day. How did I cope? I hurt myself, I didn't sleep, I swallowed caffeine like it was medicine (which it kinda was for me ... it was self-medication), and I fell apart at the seams while completely denying there was any problem.

I strained a friendship with Jonathan that I knew could have lasted a lifetime. I let myself lean solely on this friend who was only human, just like me. I got so tired of handling it my self that I let myself get carried away into believing that this one person could carry the weight of my emotions, world, problems, scars, secrets, and pain ...

I forgot that the only person who can carry the weight of the world on Himself is Jesus Christ ...

I really forgot about Him ... I legitimately forgot/ignored the saving grace for so long ... what did it lead to? Losing my opportunity I'd waited for for years - camp teams. Which meant less money towards my school bill & a boring summer where all I could do was sit and think ... which was dangerous ... seriously.

REGRET... I felt it. All summer. It it took a tole on my heart and mind like no other ...

Yet I wouldn't give it to God...

I lived with it & tried to pretend it wasn't there... until finally I had a conversation with God ... He showed me an image of me and Jesus walking together - (this was after I'd finally acknowledged that I needed a walk with Christ again and started digging into the word and loving Him more) - in this image, we were looking at the different things in my life that I was regretting... cutting, lying, hurting my friends, tearing apart friendships, losing best friends, sinning, all of the above ... and I was asking Christ "why are you showing me this? I hate this! I hate who I was! I don't want to see this!" and I was ashamed like no other & hurting in this image/vision in my mind ... but Christ took my hand and looked at me and said:

"but Monica - all of these mistakes, all of this pain, all of the hurt and all of the brokenness has led to this walk... and it is one of the most precious moments I've EVER had with you... <3"

Jesus wasn't looking at the past - He wasn't looking at the things surrounding us on that path we were taking in this vision ... He wasn't focused on looking at my mistakes like I was ... He was focused on holding my hand and walking with me - leading me FORWARD and teaching me to walk with Him...

I'm back at school now and I'm walking by bathrooms I used to cut in, seeing friends I am terrified have bitter feelings or distaste towards me for what I put them through/how emotional I was, & I'm hearing the stories about those who ministered all summer for summer camp teams... and the REGRET wants to kick in again ... the REGRET wants to take control and show me who's "boss" ... but who REGRET thinks is boss ... ain't who's boss. Not anymore at least ...

This is a new year - a new semester - and a fresh walk with Christ ... REGRET does not own me anymore.

I will struggle for a long time with that pain that comes with losing what I lost - but I know one thing: this journey that I'm taking is one of my FAVORITE moments with God ... and I don't think I'd change ANYTHING if it meant not walking as I am with Him right now ...

It's a roadblock & it's a painful one ... but roadblocks can't stop God if I don't let them ...

My biggest roadblock WILL become my biggest triumph...

(-Monica-)