Even just for a moment, my eyes slipped off of the cross & my world crumbled pretty quick ... I'm at the pt where I can be Saul or I can be David...
I can run from God, pretending nothing ever happened and putting on a fake smile to fool the rest of the world (being Saul)... or I can face God, fess up, and forgive myself ... (being David) ...
I choose to be David... I choose to let this be yet another thing to learn from... what I am learning from it is that what caused it has gotten out of hand ... and because of that, I feel God telling me to let go of something in my life that breaks my heart to let go ... something that has been very special to me for so long - a friendship that means everything to me ...
but the friendship, lately, has become my kingdom, my "run to" and my comfort ... my safety, despite having nothing but temptations & the enemy thrown in my face constantly ... still, this friendship is the only thing that makes me feel loved and wanted on this campus ...
but here is God, asking me to let go & give it up ... I've been crying off and on all day ... I'm terrified, meeting with my old counselor soon to figure stuff out because I don't know what to do from here...
but anyway, I went for a drive ... needed that comfort of a preoccupied mind so that I wasn't thinking as much about the situation ... on the CD I was listening to was a song called "Till there's Nothing Left" and the lyrics go like this:
Take away all that remains,
For Your glory and Your name,
Till there's nothing left of me ...
Burn the kingdoms I have made,
So you will shine and I will fade..
Till there's nothing left of me...
God gives & He takes away ... but I will be okay, no matter what because He is always faithful to love me... He wants what's best for me ... for my walk with Him... so I'm going to let Him take away what He needs to take away, despite the pain, despite the hurt, despite the lonliness that will exist so tangibly in my life after.. I know that God is with me, healing the pain, comforting me through the hurt, and always faithful to hear me when I cry out ...
I love You, Lord -
as the journey continues, I will learn to trust You more everyday...
(-Monica)
[Proverbs 3:5-6 -
Trust in the Lord with all thy heart,
lean not on your own understanding...
In all your ways, acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths... ]
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